The Scar of Love

 I just wanted to remember every bit of this special day as I brought our little love to this world.

It was on January 06, 2023 that we came to know that a little human is growing inside me and the news itself was a surprise and then onwards I was having a rollercoaster ride. I would write my little one's 9 months journey in another blogpost following this.

On August 23, 2023 around 10pm till next day 4.30am I was having pain that we decided to go to the new hospital CIMAR where we wanted to shift during the last month as I was not fully convinced with the hospital I was consulting. On reaching there and consulting Dr. Sujatha Murali, initially with the LMP, my due date would come around September 8, but on doing PV came to know that I have been 3cm dilated. I was expecting my baby by September and so this was a surprise for me. The doctor herself has done the scan and the baby was fine and other blood tests and CTG also done. By evening after all check-ups and PV, I have been 4cm dilated. To be on the safer side, the doctor asked to get admitted by that night.

We went back home and since I was not experiencing any pain we waited to have dinner and set out to the hospital and reached around 9.00pm. Our expectation was we would be getting to the room and mostly the next day may experience pain and get into labor. My husband and I only went to the hospital as we were expecting things slowly. One of our relatives has arrived for blood cross matching and I went to the labour room to check CTG so that he could leave. From then on, everything went ulta, I did not have hypertension during pregnancy but this last day to my surprise I was having high BP who came as an uninvited guest and gifted us the rest of the moments which I never ever thought of.

Dr. Lipi was on call and she explained to us the situation that they have to induce pain and also told us about the epidural option. She mentioned both pros and cons of the epidural and we opted not to go for the epidural. By around 11pm they induced and there started my journey to bring in a new life. One of the biggest reliefs was that I was able to see and talk to my husband, Vimal whenever I wanted to. Also all the nursing staff were amicable and kept me comfortable. Ctg was connected and the whole night my baby's heartbeat was my lullaby during the pain. Few medications were given to tame my BP who eventually came under control by late night/early morning. I was afraid of IV Cannula rather than labour pain but it was done smoothly by the sister and she ensured I'm fine while insertion. Since I am allergic to some medication, every medicine was given post test dose. The pain kept on increasing giving me hope of a normal delivery by the next morning and that thought kept me fine. 

By around 5.30am(hopefully), Sujatha mam arrived and in PV came to know there's no dilation no matter the pain I'm bearing. So the wait continued and the pain kept increasing crossing the limit I could tolerate. The nurses were comforting me to the maximum, multiple PVs in time to time showing no dilation continued. I was ok with PV but the contractions while PV was making me so uncomfortable that I started resisting PV. Sujatha mam and Susan mam were there and I remember holding on to Susan mam on unbearable pain. One of the nurses was holding me around and kept on with soothing words to keep me comfortable, not just her everyone was trying to console while groaning in pain. Dr. Gopinath also arrived which was a surprise for me because I never expected a male presence but it never bothered me as I have read about him before and know his expertise. Vimal was also informed about every minute details and I was relieved to see him in the midst of the unbearable pain. 

The most disheartening thing than the labor pain was when they wanted to cut my nails. Since 2001 I haven't cut my nails completely flat and I couldn't take it when they wanted it mandatorily. I asked for a blade as I have never ever used nail cutter for my finger nails. Might be to avoid unnecessary wound and mess, told me there's no blade available and they came up with a nail cutter and was ready to cut. Even in that pain I managed to cut(not completely - thanks to ingrown flesh) my nails myself, I would stop when there's contractions and cut it when Im cool. Also its the first time Im using nail cutter for my finger nails. This might be silly for others but for a crazy hardcore nail and nailpolish lover, its a big deal.

Suppose its post 10am that doctor confirmed they could wait almost an hour more as currently mine and baby's health is fine post which there might be an issue. But by then I have lost all my energy and then Sujatha mam suggested epidural and Dr. Sreekanth informed the details of the epidural. But there was no guarantee of normal delivery, it's the maximum everyone could try for. Sujatha mam and Gopinath sir by then had talked to Vimal regarding the health condition and cesarean and then Gopinath sir also mentioned the baby's heart rate dropped once and also they may have to go for vacuum as there's no chance of head engagement. On hearing this I opted for cesearian no matter what. I don't believe like anything special for normal but I wished for it because I have heard if it's normal then thereafter there won't be any period pain. It's been since 2002 that I am going through pain every month. 

Only we both were at hospital, all the tensions were handled by Vimal alone. Since these were not how we anticipated our parents haven't come to hospital. Vimal informed them when we planned for cesearian. And my little champ arrived when they my parents and in laws were on way to hospital. One good thing about it was my parents didn't had to go through the pressure and tension of all these. But I am proud and happy that Vimal managed everything all alone.

Immediately started the preparations for shifting to the operation theatre and I remember asking to remove the urine tube as it was hurting when I moved during the contractions. Nurses were consoling me telling me they would remove at OT. But I couldn't withstand it till then that I repeatedly asked to remove and Susan mam came to my rescue and asked them to remove it. While taking me to OT, I saw Vimal and his face was what lingered in my mind all through the operation. Only the bright light of the OT was in my mind, doesn't remember anyone's face or voice except for the nurse who held me while giving anaesthesia, that too very vaguely as I was not having my contact lenses or spectacles (I do have high myopia of -9 and -9.5). Once anaesthesia was given within seconds the lower part of my body felt numb and was feeling sleepy. I just felt a force on the left side of my tummy and in a few seconds I heard my baby crying. I have no words to describe what I felt at that moment and also I said sorry to the baby for having a second thought throughout the pregnancy like whether I wanted a baby, I was happy with two of us together, how it will be to plan things with a baby etc. The doctor informed me it's a boy and I was like 'how come', as everyone who saw me predicted having a girl baby and me who wanted a boy, had adjusted and accepted to have a girl. We even focused on searching for girls'names. They showed me the baby from a distance and I couldn't see anything clearly. I guess it was Sreekanth sir who was near me and I told him I want to see the baby closely as I cannot see properly without specs. I cannot recall the voice or anything, since he is the anesthesiologist I guess it was him. After cleaning the baby I saw him wrapped in all white and I don't know how to express what I felt seeing that cute face. I kissed him and he was taken from me.

I was taken to the post operative unit and I have no idea about timing over the incidents there. I remember Vimal coming and seeing me, cannot recall anything we spoke. Then came to that still my bp and pulse are high and I could see ecg, bp, pulse everything being continuously monitored and the device kept on alarming of the high bp. In the labour room the lullaby for me was the baby's heartbeat and here it's the beep sound from the monitor. My parents also came and saw me and my dad ended up in tears. They gave different medication to bring down the bp, both tablets as well as IV. Fluids, antibiotics etc etc in IV and also had PV and removed some clots. I didn't suppose I would have PVs post operation. One of the nurses came and informed me the baby is with them, the weight and other details. Then there was an instruction for blood transmission which I was not ok with as I came to know my hb count is 12.4. Only because of the comfort and trust I felt, I openly discussed it with Sujatha mam. Also she informed me that the next day's blood test only can be accurate. Anyways the blood transmission was not done due to high bp and I was happy with it. I was super thirsty and kept on asking for water but only after 6.5 hours post operation only fluids are allowed and I remember asking nurses about the timing. By around evening the baby was taken to me for feeding and nurses helped with feeding as I was unable to hold the baby. Post feeding the baby was taken to our room and he was with Vimal and my parents. Also I requested to get my specs as blurred vision was uncomfortable for me. The only feeling that time was I wanted water and black coffee or lime, I was hungry and I wanted to sleep more. After the stipulated time I was given a very small amount of water which I felt was a big blessing. Later on more water was provided making me more happy. At times I requested to remove the bp monitor cuff as it was a sort of irritation due to frequent checks like every 15 minutes. That day Vimal went home and my parents were staying at the hospital. Almost early in the morning around 2.30am or so, I was really hungry that plain water is not ok and I wanted tea or coffee. Since there was no canteen, at that time Vimal had come to the hospital and given the tea post which I felt comfortable with. Also the baby was taken to me for feeding twice. The next morning they combed and tied my hair, brushed my teeth and got me ready. Also, I had food for my breakfast after which I was really calm. Also the nurses informed the doctor would come for rounds and after that I would be shifted to our room. Before Lipi mam's rounds Athulya mam had come and checked and made me walk with nurses support during which due to pad misplacement blood leaked through my legs on to the floor. Walking back to bed caused blood on my feet as well and when asked to sit on bed, I was really feeling disgusted seeing my legs and all. Both the nurses were cool and told me it was fine and they cleaned all the mess and changed from my hospital gown to my dress. When Lipi mam arrived she confirmed shifting and asked me to walk after getting to the room. 

After closing the formalities, I was shifted to our room in a wheelchair. While trying to get up and lie down I understood the intensity of the stitch pain. Two more days we were in hospital, we both walked around the corridors, initially needing support later I could walk alone. But to lie down, get up or even for using the bathroom I needed a helping hand. It was exclusive breastfeeding for my baby and every 6 hours his blood sugar has been tested to rule out any issues as I had GDM in the 6th month. My parents and mother in law stayed alternately at the hospital and having them was a great relief and help while the baby cried as I couldn't take the baby due to stitch pain. Vimal mentioned pediatrician Joseph sir that he is cool in handling kids and details about the baby as well. I saw him when he came for rounds and the way he talks and handles the baby is really great. Then on August 28th morning Sujatha mam came for rounds and confirmed my discharge, Joseph sir came later and confirmed the discharge of the baby as well. So by around 4pm, we completed the formalities and started off to our home.

I cannot end the post without mentioning the nursing staff because they were a big factor that I felt comfortable throughout the whole process. Also, though I have heard good words about the work they do without feeling bad or disgusted, when it happened in real life for me, I could grab the intensity of that feeling. In the labour room before shifting to OT, it was a whole mess of blood, amniotic fluid, urine and what not and in post operative as well when the blood leaked. They cleaned me and made me comfortable and I was realizing the actual feel behind the things I have read. Following are the nursing staff who are real angels.

Labour room -Anitta sis, Rosemary sis... OT - Maya sis, Sojitha sis, Aleena sis... NICU - Dhanya sis, Stejy sis... Post op - Blessy sis, Paveena sis, Vijitha sis... Ward - Lini sis, Sini sis, Nisa sis... OP - Febitha sis... Nursing supervisor - Shine sis

I'm unsure whether I'll forget all these when years pass by and I wanted these days to be part of my personal blog so that if ever I feel like I can read and feel those days.